Take a photograph, 'cause this ain't gonna last...

The last few weeks have felt largely surreal. I'm not in South Africa anymore, and it's still hard to take in the fact that I'm not returning. As I said goodbyes, person after person asked me when I'd be back. I reassured many friends that I'll visit, and I've left and returned enough times that it seems I'll be headed back before too long. But in my brain I know this is the end of an era (even if my heart hasn't absorbed it yet). I'm moving on. I don't know into what, and that may be part of why the leaving is still so surreal.

After leaving South Africa, I spent a week in Malaysia and then one in Thailand. My time in Malaysia was at first full of reunions--many friends I hadn't seen in months or years were gathered in one place as part of the CRM Worldwide Conference. As the week came to a close, the reality of saying goodbyes to those friends, as well as the reality that I was leaving CRM, began to sink in.

The day the conference ended, I took a taxi to a ferry to a taxi to a train... and on that overnight train across Malaysia, I had one of those moments where time and place and music and life converge. I was traveling at high speeds away from the ending of something good, and heading into new travels in another country. The lights were out in the train compartment, I was tucked into my little bunk listening to my iPod, and Andrew Osenga's song "Photograph" was playing:

"...so take a photograph
if you're wanting this to last
'cause you can try the best you can
but God knows, it's about to end."

For the last few months, I've been holding on to the idea of continuing in full-time international vocational ministry. I've wanted this season of my life to last. I've explored 9 teams in 6 different cities (some more thoroughly than others). None of these opportunities have worked out: I've been turned down, referred elsewhere, it's been the wrong time, it hasn't fit, or it just hasn't felt right.

Acts 16:6-10 was a passage I spent a lot of time with in October and November, when I decided God was leading me out of NieuCommunities and into something new. At the time, I was struck by the way Paul & the apostles tried to go several places, and the Holy Spirit prevented them--literally kept them from going where they thought they were supposed to go. There's been an element of that in my last 8 months. And so, I've been letting go. The CRM conference in many ways marked the end of an era, as well as a letting go of this form of ministry for the next season of my life. That night in the train--however belatedly--was a final acknowledgment that "it's about to end." But also: that it was good. And that the ending of it is also good.

The song ends with the repeated lines: "I don't know where I'm going / but I know that you'll be there." Sometimes I'm okay with the not knowing, and other times not so much. It comes and goes. But I'm confident that there is another era in store for me, and that God will be there, as he has been so profoundly all along.

Writings I've relatedly been reading:
Arriving Back in KC
When Endings Come

Malaysia

Every four years, CRM missionaries from around the world gather for a Worldwide Conference, and this year we met in Langkawi, Malaysia. I left behind winter in South Africa and arrived in Malaysia to spend a week in humid, 90-degree weather on the beach (and in overly air-conditioned conference rooms). It was a great week spent with some pretty awesome people.

The best part of the conference was spending time with friends--reuniting with friends I hadn't seen in a while, renewing and deepening acquaintances, and getting in some last good talks with teammates from South Africa before we said goodbyes.

Let Glasgow Flourish

I came across the motto "Let Glasgow Flourish" as I walked into Glasgow's Botanic Gardens on Wednesday. I took the above picture, because I liked the image of the city flourishing like a garden... especially seeing the words as I walked into a garden.

Then yesterday I encountered the phrase again at the Kelvingrove Museum, and asked about it. It's the motto of Glasgow, and it used to continue with the words "...by the preaching of Thy Word and the praising of Thy Name." The words are attributed to St. Mungo, patron saint and founder of the city of Glasgow. This city has a rich spiritual foundation, one that has largely been set aside.

The image of Glasgow flourishing like a garden has stayed with me. It reminded me of Isaiah 58:11-12, and as I looked up the passage this afternoon, I realized the context. The following verses describe promises God gives to Israel if they will practice true fasting, genuine worship, and pursue justice for the poor and oppressed.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

These words describe the restoration of a city, a city again flourishing because of God's blessing, and because of His people's commitment to true worship and justice. Today, these words are on my heart for this city I've been visiting.

Let Glasgow flourish by the preaching of Thy Word and the praising of Thy Name.

Glasgow in Spring

I've been in Glasgow this week, meeting a bunch of people and exploring possibilities for ministry here. It's been a fantastic trip so far. And spring is here. New growth just beginning...

Crocuses (croci?) in the Botanic Gardens






















...and the sun came out!

















Some daffodils for my mother

What I've been up to lately...

It's been too long. I'm in the process of writing an email update, since I've been out of touch for several months! In the meantime, here is a handful of pictures illustrating the variety of places and climates I've been traveling through lately...

"Winter" in Southern California. Me with my sister and her kids just before I left for the airport.

Next stop: winter in Karlsruhe, Germany. I spent a little over 2 weeks in Germany, visiting a friend and exploring some ministry opportunities there.

Me with a frozen lake and the Karlsruhe Palace in the background

From freezing temperatures in Germany to summer in South Africa, here I am hanging out with Granny's family in Soshanguve. Lungile, while braiding my hair, told me that my hair is too soft.

My friend Melinda came to visit just a few days after I got back to South Africa, and we went on a short trip to Cape Town. Here we are at the Cape Point lighthouse, getting pelted in the face with rain as gale force winds threaten to blow us off the edge of the African continent.

A slightly more peaceful weather day on our Cape Town trip: here I am at a lookout point near Chapman's Peak.

I'm back in Pretoria now, getting some much-needed rest and planning the next "vision trip" to explore ministry in the UK. I've got a couple more weeks before I head out again...

A few pictures of doing nothing

My own personal bushveld chalet

Tea and cookies on the veranda (breakfast my last day)

Three blesbok keeping their wary eyes on me

Sky and golden afternoon light filtered through dandelion-like fluffy seeds

The Immense Value of Doing (Almost) Nothing

Last week was a week off for our apprentices (and sort of for staff, too). It came at the conclusion of Contending, the fourth learning posture of our year. Contending is usually pretty intense and for some reason both it and the posture before it seemed to go on forever. Just in August: our community said goodbye to the Stewart family, transitioned into some new leadership roles as a staff team, hosted a 2-week Road Trip, explored issues of spiritual warfare and injustice, and engaged a month-long practice of the discipline of Simplicity. The week off was very timely for me, and I suspect for most of our community as well.

I've never been much of one for taking vacations where I do nothing. I generally want to go somewhere that I can "see stuff." Whether it's art galleries in Paris, Napoleon’s villa on Elba, beautiful scenery in Cape Town, or Addo Elephant Park near Port Elizabeth, I usually want to do stuff and see things, to experience whatever new place I'm in to the fullest... more than just hang out. But last week I knew that was the last thing I needed.

Instead of going somewhere to do something, I went to a small bush camp in a game reserve about 45 minutes away, with my sole goal being that of sitting by a pool and reading. I accomplished that goal. Swimmingly, one might say.

My three days away followed this general schedule:
Sleep in.
Sit on the veranda and eat breakfast while watching birds.
Change from pajamas to bathing suit.
Walk across the dirt road to the very small pool.
Apply sunscreen.
Lie on beach towel next to pool and read.
Get in pool.
Lie on beach towel next to pool and dry off in the sun.
Read some more.
Walk back across the road to the chalet.
Sit on veranda and eat lunch.
Shower.
Nap.
Sit by the pool and read.
Wander trails around the bush camp, looking at animals.
Sit on the veranda and eat dinner while watching the sunset.
Lie on bed and read.
Listen to music.
Journal.
Go to sleep.

One of the things I realized during this brief time away:
I spend too much time multi-tasking. Multi-tasking may feel productive, but it also makes me feel rushed and scattered. This creeps in even with a small thing I do all the time: listening to music and reading while making dinner. When doing three things at once, I'm not really experiencing any one of them fully. Perhaps none of those things require my full attention, but they definitely feel different when given my full attention. For the most part, I refrained from this kind of simultaneous activity while on my retreat, and I found my mind more present in each activity. I was able to more fully experience whatever I was doing—and find rest in it. I was also better able to think. Amazingly. =)

I now realize the great value of a vacation where you do nothing. I came back from these brief few days feeling far more rested than I have in a long time. We began the Imagining posture on Monday, and I have been thoroughly enjoying the week. Never mind the fact that this is my favorite posture of the apprenticeship... I think much of my energy and excitement and readiness to be fully present this past week is in part due to three days of doing nothing. I highly recommend it.

Retreat

This past week, I took a 4-day trip to a neighboring province (Mpumalanga), and stayed in an area called the Panorama. It was great to have time away to read, journal, and reflect in an area of amazing natural beauty. One of the points of interest near where I was staying is a viewpoint called "God's Window." I found this an appropriate place for a retreat...

Updated to say: More pictures here.

Me looking out God's Window

Lisbon Falls (I spent an afternoon here reading)

Chocolate mousse-filled and fruit-covered pancakes in a little mining town called Pilgrim's Rest

Bourke's Luck Potholes, some amazing rock formations that occur where the Treur & Blyde Rivers connect

Me at my favorite lookout point, with a view of the Lowveld

The Three Rondavels, at Blyde River Canyon (the third largest canyon in the world)

Me reading at the Lowveld viewpoint

The Road Home

Sunset pictures on the way back from the beach trip

Reminder

I've needed encouragement to persevere lately. As I've been in the middle of sustaining hurts and working at addressing the conflict that often comes when living in community, I've grown weary of the hard work it takes. During the recent women's trip, I was looking at some necklaces in a small shop. One in particular caught my eye, a rectangle with a small symmetrical cross symbol on it. The card it was attached to said it was an African symbol for endurance. I've been at a place of wanting to give up on several community issues lately, and found it significant that this particular necklace caught my eye.

Home from the women's trip, I've changed my desktop picture to the following image, taken in Florence a few years ago. These instructions appear on the plexiglass around the gallery inside the Duomo, about halfway through a climb to the top of the dome. I found the instructions amusing at the time. Right now, I need the reminder.

Beach trip

Some pictures from the women's trip to Ballito (near Durban) this past weekend. This wasn't a good "people" trip for me, just to explain the lack of smiling beach photos...

Walking and exploring the beach on a drizzly day

Shell, seaweed, sand, sea

The beach, a rainbow, and some amazing clouds. I took this from the balcony of the flat where we stayed.

I couldn't stop taking pictures of the rainbow, apparently. This is a different one later on in the day, a double rainbow this time.

And here's Sarah setting off to explore in the shadow of the rainbow.