One joy expected, another given

From C.S. Lewis' Perelandra:
"...it may be, one finds a different fruit and not the fruit one thought of. One joy was expected and another is given. But this I had never noticed before--that the very moment of the finding there is in the mind a kind of thrusting back, or setting aside. The picture of the fruit you have not found is still, for a moment, before you. And if you wished--if it were possible to wish--you could keep it there. You could send your soul after the good you had expected, instead of turning it to the good you had got. You could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other."

"And have you no fear... that it will ever be hard to turn your heart from the thing you wanted to the thing Maleldil sends?"
"...The wave you plunge into may be very swift and great. You may need all your force to swim into it. You mean, he might send me a good like that?"
"Yes--or like a wave so swift and great that all your force was too little."
"It often happens that way in swimming," said the Lady. "Is not that part of the delight?"

My friend Sally, swimming in Thailand

Take a photograph, 'cause this ain't gonna last...

The last few weeks have felt largely surreal. I'm not in South Africa anymore, and it's still hard to take in the fact that I'm not returning. As I said goodbyes, person after person asked me when I'd be back. I reassured many friends that I'll visit, and I've left and returned enough times that it seems I'll be headed back before too long. But in my brain I know this is the end of an era (even if my heart hasn't absorbed it yet). I'm moving on. I don't know into what, and that may be part of why the leaving is still so surreal.

After leaving South Africa, I spent a week in Malaysia and then one in Thailand. My time in Malaysia was at first full of reunions--many friends I hadn't seen in months or years were gathered in one place as part of the CRM Worldwide Conference. As the week came to a close, the reality of saying goodbyes to those friends, as well as the reality that I was leaving CRM, began to sink in.

The day the conference ended, I took a taxi to a ferry to a taxi to a train... and on that overnight train across Malaysia, I had one of those moments where time and place and music and life converge. I was traveling at high speeds away from the ending of something good, and heading into new travels in another country. The lights were out in the train compartment, I was tucked into my little bunk listening to my iPod, and Andrew Osenga's song "Photograph" was playing:

"...so take a photograph
if you're wanting this to last
'cause you can try the best you can
but God knows, it's about to end."

For the last few months, I've been holding on to the idea of continuing in full-time international vocational ministry. I've wanted this season of my life to last. I've explored 9 teams in 6 different cities (some more thoroughly than others). None of these opportunities have worked out: I've been turned down, referred elsewhere, it's been the wrong time, it hasn't fit, or it just hasn't felt right.

Acts 16:6-10 was a passage I spent a lot of time with in October and November, when I decided God was leading me out of NieuCommunities and into something new. At the time, I was struck by the way Paul & the apostles tried to go several places, and the Holy Spirit prevented them--literally kept them from going where they thought they were supposed to go. There's been an element of that in my last 8 months. And so, I've been letting go. The CRM conference in many ways marked the end of an era, as well as a letting go of this form of ministry for the next season of my life. That night in the train--however belatedly--was a final acknowledgment that "it's about to end." But also: that it was good. And that the ending of it is also good.

The song ends with the repeated lines: "I don't know where I'm going / but I know that you'll be there." Sometimes I'm okay with the not knowing, and other times not so much. It comes and goes. But I'm confident that there is another era in store for me, and that God will be there, as he has been so profoundly all along.

Writings I've relatedly been reading:
Arriving Back in KC
When Endings Come

Malaysia

Every four years, CRM missionaries from around the world gather for a Worldwide Conference, and this year we met in Langkawi, Malaysia. I left behind winter in South Africa and arrived in Malaysia to spend a week in humid, 90-degree weather on the beach (and in overly air-conditioned conference rooms). It was a great week spent with some pretty awesome people.

The best part of the conference was spending time with friends--reuniting with friends I hadn't seen in a while, renewing and deepening acquaintances, and getting in some last good talks with teammates from South Africa before we said goodbyes.

Since I've Been Gone

In the rush of leaving, I didn't manage to post photos of last goodbyes in South Africa. Now these seem ages ago and continents away... the latter of which is true.

Dinner & movie night with Sarah, Busi, and Lizzy before Lizzy left for Limpopo where she's been teaching for the past 6 months.

Goodbye party in Pretoria North with lots of South African friends (too many names to list!)

A last visit to Soshanguve, at Emily's... with pap & vleis for lunch. Mmm.

Playing games outside while lunch was cooking--two kids held a long tied-together loop of pantyhose and everyone else took turns jumping into the middle, hooking one of the strings over a foot on the way in.

Tshepo shows his style here...

A last Soshanguve sunset